In Remembrance...

Today marks a very special day for my family. October 4th is the day I felt in my heart I would have had my third child. Although my child's Heavenly birth was in February, we want to recognize this day too! For those who may not know, I miscarried after only 9 short weeks of carrying my child - and how I will always treasure those weeks. I have grieved for my child every day since. These past months have been very difficult, but God has given me Peace and Comfort that only He can give. Joseph has been my rock and has been very patient and understanding, even though he is suffering from this as well. My family and friends have also been my support. And my children, my beautiful children, have been my joy! I have not written about my child because it has been too hard, and if I actually wrote any emotions down, then I would have to face the fact that I would not get to know my child here on earth, and that was too much to bear...up until today. I am ready to express and share my emotional experience and grief to you. God gave me promises that comforted me throughout the immediate days after my miscarriage. Hopefully these promises will help someone else who is suffering as I have suffered. I know He wants me to share them with you all.

I learned my child had passed away during a routine well visit with my doctor - my child's heartbeat could not be found. I heard his/her heartbeat just two weeks prior (an amazing 152 beats per minute) An ultrasound confirmed what I was just barely trying to wrap my head around - no heartbeat - no movement. My baby was so still - my baby had passed away. I was crying, but I was in shock. This must be wrong - this could not happen. Why would my child whom I have barely known be taken away from me? As I sat in the room crying, I knew I had to call Joe and my family. Everyone answered after one or two rings. Although I was physically alone in the room, I knew God was already at work, making sure I contacted my loved ones - I was no longer alone.

The next few days were full of sadness, a sadness that came from the most inner part of my being, but this is when God revealed His promises to me.

My heart was heavy with grief because I knew that I would not know if my child were a boy or girl - I didn't have a name for my baby. One morning after I learned of my child's passing, I woke up crying because I wanted so badly to have a name for my child. At that moment, God gave me the promise that my child already has a name - He knows the name. My child's name was written in the Lamb's Book of Life the moment he/she was conceived! Immediately, I felt peace. I knew that it was OK not to know the name. God would reveal my child's beautiful name to me at His timing. What a wonderful surprise it will be to know if I have a boy or girl!

I was also grieved because my womb could not sustain my child's life. Did I do something wrong? God revealed to me at that moment that my child is in Heaven not suffering. Something was dreadfully wrong and God knew it. He revealed to me that it is a miracle when He gives life and when He takes away life because you are transformed to live eternally with Him. He miraculously transformed my child's broken body to live eternal life with Him! My child did not have to suffer here on earth. For that, I am so thankful. My child is now perfect in Heaven!

When I first started to share this news to my friends and family, I would say that I lost my baby. God then gave me the understanding that I never lost my child, or will lose my child. I know where he/she is...in Heaven - and I will always treasure my child's memory in my heart.

Also, God gave me the wonderful blessing of hearing my baby's heartbeat! It is always amazing to hear your child's heartbeat for the first time! At that happy moment, I did not realize that that would be the last time I would hear that beautiful rhythm, but God did and He gave me happiness that day so that I could have something to remember! The ultrasound picture above was taken on the day that I heard the heartbeat!

I felt it was important to remember today in a special way. Joseph and I have chosen to keep a memory box that holds flowers, cards and gifts from family and friends. This box will comfort me in the days, months and years ahead. Also, I picked out a beautiful book to read and place in the box. This book was not only for my child in Heaven, but for Grey and Joleigh too. To each of them: You Are My I Love You!

Finally, we wrote a small note to our baby and we all signed it. We attached the note to two balloons and let it go! God knew I needed comfort, peace and closure today and I felt it.

Yes, I know I will continue to grieve and feel sadness, but we know our baby is in Heaven and yes, we will rejoice when we see him/her again! Holding that Promise close to my heart, I rejoice today and give God the Glory for creating a Perfect plan through our Savior Jesus Christ! I will see our sweet baby again - what a beautiful reunion that will be!